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That awkward moment when someone comments on a really old picture and you realize they were probably stalking your page

a 6 yr old girl says to her mother after school one day: "a boy showed me his weenie today". her mother responds with a serious look on her face. The girl then says "it reminded me of a peanut". Her mother sighed with relief and said "

When a woman says "What" it's not because she didn't hear you....................- she is giving you a CHANCE to CHANGE what you just said!

Coming home at 4.30am after a night out drinking, and deciding that the most logical and sensible thing to do is to.....send some texts....Like, who wouldnt wanna hear from you at that time, especially when youre intoxicated?

Every girl has three guys in her life: the one she loves, the one she hates, and the one she can't live without. But in the end, they're all the same guy.

5 things you can't do! 1) Lick your elbow. 2) tickle yourself. 3) Draw The Number Six While Making Clockwise Circles With Your Leg. 4) Fit your whole fist in your mouth. 5) Sneeze with your eyes open. *LIKE* if you have tried one of these before..

when a guy and girl date for a really long time. they breakup, move on, but when they look at eachother everyone can see they still love eachother except for them

One day, love and friendship met. Love asked, why do you exist when I already exist? Friendship smiled and said,to put a smile where you leave tears. :))

A good girlfriend will sit and yell KILL HIM to her boyfriend when he plays his XBOX. But the best girlfriend will take the controller and say: "Watch how it's done."

I'll stop loving you the day a mute woman tells a deaf man that a blind girl saw a paralyzed boy walk on water.

I love you. I asked you out and you turned me down. We act like it never happened, like we always did before, but when I am around you all I have is a pit where my heart once was. Where hope once was. Yet still, I can't pull away from you because I love y

Dear Phone, I drop you, I push your buttons (literally), I throw you on a bed when I'm mad(which, sometimes, can hurt), but I just want to know...you're like my best friend!!!!!!!!!! Sincerely, 24/7 Texter

KID: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? KID: Your name on this report card

FACEBOOK FACT............... The people under your friends list on your wall are the people who visit your wall the most. like if you didnt know.

My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all...... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them...

I'd run to you, at 4 a.m., pouring rain, 30 degrees, on a school night, the only reason why I don't, is because you havn't asked.

When Karma Finally Hits You In The Face; I'll be there................... Just in case it needs some help.

in every group of friends you can find: the reliable one, the one with really big boobs, the one who's got the best body but eats the most shit, the party animal, the 'banterer' & the one who's so dumb you wonder if its faked

My girlfriend phoned me and said "Hey, wanna come over cuz no one is home. :D" So I went over and rang the door bell. She answered, so I broke up with her for lying to me. Like it if you get it!

Hey Google.............Why don't you let me finish what I'm typing before you start guessing after one letter.... Little cocky aren't we?

1 friend request* (198 friends in common) "... I don't remember talking to you in class, outside, at the bus stop.. Hmmm... Delete!!

FAKE STORY:*Girl walks in crying* Boy: Babe, who's ass am i kicking tonight? REAL STORY: *Girl walks in crying* Boy: *Playing Black Ops*- Oh hey babe, wanna make me a sandwich?

We Have all: 1. Faked that we were asleep when our parents walked in the room. 2. Made A cookie out of playdoh 3. tried to get our friends to spell I.C.U.P. 4. Pretended that our hands were people talking. ...LIKE IF YOU HAVE EVER DONE ANY OF THIS (:

Blonde: WHO WANTS TO DATE ME AND HURRY?!?!?!Boy: Why do you want someone to date you? Blonde: Because in 2012 every SINGLE person would die!!**Like this is you understand**

Dear Brain, sorry for overloading you. Dear Tummy, sorry for the butterflies. Dear Pillow, sorry for the tears. Dear Heart, sorry for all the damage..

SEX IS A SENSATION CAUSED BY TEMPTATION, WERE A BOY STICKS HIS LOCATION IN A GIRLS DESTINATION TO INCREASE POPULATION FOR THE NEXT GENERATION, DO U GET MY EXPLANATION, OR DO U NEED A DEMONSTRATION!

3 men were drunk,they stopped a taxi.The taxi driver figured that they were drunk,he just switched on the engine & switched it off & told them, 'we ve arrived'.The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him.The t

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; If a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

A good friend would go to the drug store to buy you a pregnancy test but a best friend would stand outside the bathroom door yelling, "NAME IT AFTER ME!"

i hate girls who take photos of them selfs and upload them onto facebook and then when someone comments on it saying they look lovely or something they then say no i dont i look rotten , welll why the fuck did ya upload it silly b**ch .

How come when your wifes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy & say congratulations! But nobody rubs your balls and says good job!

Secretly every teen looks at little kids on a trampoline, jungle gym, or bounce house, and thinks,"You lucky little b*stard, I would kill to be on that and not look like a f*cking retard."

My parents always ask me, wny I'm I texting and Why I'm always on Facebook. My response, Texting + facebook = text book ! So I'm studying right ?! Stop scolding me

Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them, common. Arguing, acceptable. However, when you lose the argument, you're in trouble.

According to parents we're too young for love, too old for fun, too smart to play dumb and too immature for grown up conversations. Its no wonder teens are so rebellious! There's nothing else to do!

During hot, passionate s*x with my girlfriend, the famous, heroic words were moaned... "You make me feel like a woman.." I dont know why i said it, it just felt right.

Kids Before: Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Kids now: Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me. gee thanks Rihanna.

When a girl sticks with liking one guy for a long time through all the crap he gives her, it doesnt mean she doesnt see it..it means she actually loves him

When a girl gets really pissed at you, NEVER! .......... UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES..... EVER! say "jeez are you on your period or something" cause if she is .... boy, you dead.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Elementary student: can i borrow a pencil... Sure keep it. Middle school: can i borrow a pencil.. Sure but give it back! High school: can a borrow a pencil? Niggah please i dont even got one for myself!

So Prince William is Royalty, and Kate Middleton wasnt... does that mean if they have a baby boy, he would be a half blood prince ;) like if u get it!

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; If a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot.

I changed the name of my computer to "That Thang" so every month my computer asks "Do you want to back 'That Thang' up?"